20140424_seoulbeats_fanfictionThere is nothing quite as exciting as creating various narratives for our idols who, unfortunately, shuttle from being a pretty idol to being a pretty idol. Fanfictions help in building a sense of belonging to a fandom and also allow us, as fans, to helm the identity making of an idol to a considerable extent.

Being an avid reader and writer, fanfictions are of immense value to me but it cannot be denied that the fanfictions we get on our first search hold the power to rattle our understanding of story-telling. I am a regular consumer of those revolutionary fanfictions because – and I feel no shame in admitting – the stories are addictive but so are they, well, other-worldly. Here is an ambitious attempt at writing the quintessential K-pop fanfiction which all of us must have read or written at some point in our life.

Title: Ottoke!! I am Getting Married to HIM???!!!

Working Title: OMFG!! I Get To Screw My Bias??!!

Listen to this while reading~

Chapter 1

In a very ordinary girl’s life, one very ordinary morning her very ordinary mother wakes her up for school with very ordinary news: She is getting married in twenty-four hours (next chapter) to the subtly introduced character – Mr. Kim’s son.

The girl, destroyed by the devastating twist in the tale, grieves her misfortune yelling sound arguments. Our protagonist is super smart because she wears glasses and therefore, it is beneath her to point out inane facts like child marriage, threat of marital rape, and other such French terms found in dusty old books. No, our protagonists yells that she doesn’t even know this guy, that he is annoying, that he is a playboy, that she hates him, and oh! She doesn’t know him. To make this highly emotional scene of teenage rebellion and rocky transition into adulthood more striking, it is imperative that all arguments be in bold, capitalized and followed with minimum two lines of exclamation marks.

Chapter 2

20140424_seoulbeats_kaiMeet badass idol. For the next few chapters his actions will be restricted to smirks, smirks, and more smirks. In rare cases, he can belt poetic dialogues like “You are ugly” or “Fugly bitch.” The idea is to maintain the mystery around him. Nobody knows anything about the new student — Mr.Kim’s son — not even Mr.Kim’s son himself. In fact, Mr.Kim’s son has ventured on a journey of soul-searching but that shall be revealed in Chapter 31256 of the third sequel.

This chapter also helps in proving the arguments of the girl as the boy employs ninja tricks to trouble her like pulling her hair, throwing water over her, and smirking. The boy has been trained under the guidance of Tod Lear from the Land of Utteridiculous. With both the protagonists lovingly glaring and growling at each other, it is pretty obvious that happily ever after is soon to come by.

Chapter 3, 4 and 5

With the grand wedding taking place in Chapter 2.5, these chapters show the budding relationship between the girl and the…eleven boys who follow her husband around. This group of eleven dudebros – an astrological favourite – tries to instill some philosophy into the narrative. Like certified counsellors, they advise the girl to bear her husband’s violent, insensitive, cruel, sadistic, arrogant attitude because on the inside, he is a marshmallow. So they ask her to excavate that hellhole aka the idol, to get that chunk of marshmallow because marshmallows are just that rare. In this moment of enlightenment, these hormonal teenagers show her the right path of pain and suffering and the girl, while wiping tears of gratitude, accedes to their philosophy.

Be the wife you should be, they said. She picks up the apron and runs to the kitchen.

Chapter 6

Things were just getting better with the girl being regularly abused at the hands of her husband when suddenly, the husband realizes that he hasn’t been given any dialogues and his face has been left half paralyzed for smirking through five chapters of the story.

Bias: “The story is about me and you get to speak most dialogues, you bitch. This is unfair. Illegal. Such misandry. So now I will run to my 16-year-old mistress because my manhood needs some misogynistic pamper. Slut, bitch, Hyuna, slut, here I come.”

Girl: “Oppa andwae! Ahpa! Ottoke! Pegoppa! Péngyou zài nǎr! Pogoshipoyo! Pogo stick oh yo! PEGASAURAS! TT__TT”

Don’t feel intimidated by her superior language skills. A critical birth secret about our really complex protagonist is that her father is American while her mother is Korean-Thai-Chinese-Spanish-Japanese-Filipino-British-Australian.

(Are all major reading populations covered?)

The melting pot of the fanfiction society, and fluent in most languages including Mythical, our protagonist can travel across the space-time continuum.

Chapter 8 and 9

While hotter-than-boiling-water idol figures out the Kamasutra with that one female idol whom the whole fandom hates, our protagonist faces the risk of being mauled by the eleven boys. The wolves boys realize that since the boss is nowhere to be found, they can do whatever with his ‘property.’ Totally besotted by rape culture, they keep on harassing the girl either by molesting or blackmailing – “You know you want me…” Our nerdy protagonist is overwhelmed by the sudden ‘love’ from all sides.

“So many bootiful guys want me. Wae am I so charming? Ottoke!!”

Word spreads around that his wife is being courted by his friends, and the husband after shoving his mistress’s head against some wall (she is a slut, remember?), goes to save the damsel in distress. A glare, a smirk and he eureurongs (Latin for Royal Speech of Hyenas) his enemies away.

Bias: I 사랑 you~

Girl: *faints*

Chapter 10

This is a filler chapter to show the development of the angelic relationship. All past offences are forgotten, and life starts anew. Bad boy is turning good because he has found his The One. Like all married couples, they help each other out with their studies, Math being a constant pain in the butt. And why won’t it be when you have mythical questions like:

“What is x+y-z(√22-√-78)+⅓+⅛⌠oppa help me +⌠√still not tired of copying from Playful Kiss?”

Chapter 45

Major character development takes place in the previous few chapters with the girl becoming Megan Fox (she took off her glasses), and the badass idol turning into badass idol. By this chapter, the couple has grown so close that nothing can come in between them, not even a silly Math equation. Since their love is virginal and pure, they haven’t kissed yet. Clearly, our protagonist is not those types of girls (the ones who have more important things in life than counting all their ‘first’ kisses). But then we approach the anti-climax.

20140424_seoulbeats_goongOur idol is sitting in a café smiling to himself and stirring his double chocolate sundae with extra nuts and a free strawberry – there was a special offer at the children’s section – mulling over how their marriage was decided in 6000 B.C.E when his ancestors fought over a clay cart and broke it. They realized that their friendship could not be as fragile as the cart and promised that their 20th century descendents will marry each other creating a blood tie.

However, he notices his wife waving goodbye from across the street to one of his loyal brothers, and realistically deduces that she has been cheating on him, and has been having multiple orgies.

With his melting ice-cream hinting the melting of their relationship, he follows her and finds her talking to another one of the eleven. In this way, the rest pop in all of South Korea and our protagonist keeps on bumping into them. The husband stands convinced that his wife had been visiting the Red Light districts, is associated with the Yakuza in Japan, and will be responsible for the Third World War. He finally, catches her talking to the last brother, and melodramatically waves goodbye. Perplexed, our protagonist follows him as he crosses Seoul, reaches Hongdae, flies to Japan, chills in Pattaya, runs off to the United States, and finally finds peace in a shanty, left of Wadala bus stop. The idea behind this travelogue is to show that the author excels in geography.

Chapter 46

For two years, the wife acts like the stereotypical widow – she stopped following him halfway into the Indian Ocean—and spends her days crying. Readers are now introduced to her male “besht frand” who sat beside her in class, accompanied her to every event, was there beside her through thick and thin but because of the author’s prejudiced mind was unfairly absent for most part of the story. I don’t think she shares a good rapport with women.

20140424_seoulbeats_sexual_consentThe day she decides to get married to her “besht frand,” — what is this divorce you talk about? – her husband comes back. And what better way to show what is love than rape your wide-eyed wife? This is the ‘sexy stuff’ everyone has been waiting for. Readers are dying to read a girl being forced into sex by — wait for it — her bias! So exciting, no? Rape is obviously not forced sexual intercourse, not a display of institutionalized power in the form of sexual violence; it is not a grotesque celebration of a man’s assumed entitlement of a woman’s body. No, rape is cute because if you like it, it’s not rape. It’s just, like…rough sex. Let’s please ignore the more disturbing fact that often the authors are twelve-year-olds.

The girl is his now because they have ‘consummated’ the marriage and she once again, realizes her love for him. And they live happily ever after until they sight their dead dog, the cliffhanger leading you to the sequel. The sequel is a thriller-espionage thing where dogsoevsky is actually a Russian spy.


A/N: I took inspiration from classics with underage lovers like Boys Before Flowers and Romeo and Juliet. I know this story can be overwhelming, and so it is advised that you shut yourself in a dark room and chant, “Inner, Inner, Inner, Inner peace~”

(Youtube; Images via MBC, SM Town, Singer Writer Gamer, novascotia, fanfics-for-kpop)