We’ve read your comments, taken your thoughts to the drawing board and have produced a tailor-made set of apps that let you, the English-language K-pop fan, engage in an interactive experience like never before. Be you detail-obsessed or just plain obsessed, our 5 new apps will let you stay ahead of the curve and participate in the fandom in a way that’s almost 100% legal.
These apps will hit the market in just a few short days, but we want to give our readers a chance to preview and offer feedback on our new range of products. Without further ado, we are proud to introduce The Seoulbeats App Suite!
Our products include:
1) Sub Anything: A Sub-unit Creator Is Polka Dots a good name for a 3-member BP Pop sub-unit if they actually sing polka hits? What about an electropop duo from Hello Venus called (N)ara? Or racism-fighting power ballads from new Crayon Pop trio One Box? Just enter in your favorite K-pop act, and our specially programmed software will randomly generate 2-4 members, a name and genre for the next big sub-unit of 2013. Then using the May 1992 issue of Cosmo from which all English phrases used in K-pop originate, our algorithm will generate song titles and hooks that are sure to be all-kills on the charts. Experience the process of sub-unit formation that’s just like the pros: throwing s**t at the wall and seeing what sticks. ($4.99)
2) Bias List Critiquer Sure you can post your bias list on Tumblr and k-pop forums for critique, but why suffer when our bias list critiquer can insult your taste without the public humiliation. Just enter in your top 10 celebrities, and our critiquer will use the most commonly cited words compiled from those stars’ anti-fan forums to offer a rational and balanced take on their biggest flaws. You can elect to receive criticism from one of four typical internet personalities: 10 year old girl, Russian pervert, K-pop super fan, or confused guy who really just wanted help with calculus. ($5.99)
3) StalkEasy No K-pop fan would be complete without this handy little app, which scours Twitter, Google+ and Cyworld to compile live data about the whereabouts of your bias. Plus, we’ve just updated this app with predictive software that will learn right along with you, as it finds patterns in stars’ activities and uses this to estimate their location 24/7. As an in-app purchase, our real-time traffic analyzer will suggest the best routes for travel, and give you tips for optimizing photography, avoiding security, and locating your favorite star’s garbage. ($27.99)
4) iHeard: Comeback Rumor Generator Be the first of your friends to know the latest rumors about a group’s comeback… by creating them yourself! Just type the name of a group, and our patented software will select a random date for the group’s next single to drop. Then our app will hijack your social media and broadcast the rumors as facts to friends and causal acquaintances alike. Our app is even specially designed to respond with one of 16 different aggressive phrases in case of conflicting dates. 24 hours after the initial announcement, our app will delete all information it posted on the comeback, making sure that the blatant lies cannot be traced back to you. ($8.99)
5) Did Oppa Mean it? Finally, a retro app that answers the most intimate questions about your favorite K-pop celebrities in soothing 16-bit colors and comic sans font. Not only can you sleep soundly knowing that whatever travesty that occurred was not the fault of your bias, but you can reap satisfaction from double and triple checking the purity of his motives. It’s the perfect gift for your favorite nervous-minded fan girl. ($.99)
We also are dedicated to continue developing apps that suit your evolving needs, so let us know in the comments what features you’d like to see added and in what direction you’d like to see these new products grow. Right now, several group-specific apps are in the works, including an SNSD diet cookbook, an SM Entertainment MV generator, and a PSY themed edition of popular board game Risk. We’re hoping that these apps fly off the theoretical shelves, so spread the word to all of your friends. Your feedback and support is crucial as we embark on this exciting new adventure!