Dear Super Junior: You Are Neither Super Nor Junior

Dear Super Junior,

Once upon a semester, my roommate, who was taking an intermediate Korean class, sent me a series of angry texts. This wasn’t anything new; she had two girls in her Korean class that were impressively dumb and whenever they said something that made my roommate question the direction of the human gene pool, she would send me angry, but oh so hilarious texts. It was quite amusing because these girls would say some ridiculously ignorant things. But one day, these girls took it too far.

“They’re going on and on about how great Super Junior is.”

“…”

“Yeah and on top of that, they just said that everyone in Super Junior is SUPER talented.”

“WHAT?!”

Having produced hits like “Sorry, Sorry” and “Bonamana,” you guys have managed to gain a seat in the court of KPOP royalty. Along with your catchy songs, the group has produced talent, charm, and a fan-base that rivals the size of the ROK army. You are a likable group–I will definitely say as much and I am sure there are many out there that would gladly say the same.

HOWEVER, are you likable because each and every single one of you is especially talented? Are you likable because you are a polished, well put together group? Are you likable because you live up to their name?

No. Super Junior, you are many things but you are not especially talented, you are not polished, and you especially are neither super nor junior.

Let’s start off with Super Junior’s leader, Park Jung-Su, or as you are more famously known, Leeteuk. As a singer, you’re mediocre. Your intonation is okay but your tone and stamina are weak and shaky. As a dancer, you can get the job done but beyond that, you’re nothing special so I can’t really say much. I will say however, that you have talent, a special talent, in fact. You are easily the best idol MC in the business. You have a warm and friendly personality that has handed you a multitude of deserved opportunities in radio DJing, hosting, and MCing. It isn’t the first talent that you think of when you think of idol talents but MCing is definitely one of them and in this regard, you win the trophy. Yes, you may be mediocre at everything else but at least you have that going for you.

How do I even start talking about a person who is also a Twitter trending topic? Kim Hee-Chul, you are definitely one of the more interesting idol personalities out there. I won’t even talk about your singing or dancing because I think it’s very obvious that that is not how you get your fans. And with good reason because when it comes to those two skills, you’re not very good. Hence why, while all of Super Junior is dancing their butts off in the “It’s You” MV, you just comes sauntering in at the end for two painful lines. But like Leeteuk, you have personality. In fact, you have more personality than a lot of idols. People will say that you try too hard and that you’re too much and that’s all probably true but you are good at making a scene and setting mood, whether it is on the world wide web or Family Outing 2. You’ve got charisma, hence all your hosting gigs and appearances on variety shows. So I repeat myself, though you don’t have much else going for you, at least you have your charm. But be careful because the more you hit on Sohee, the more charm turns into creepy.

Forget about the dancing, the personality, and the looks. Kim Jong-Woon, aka Yesung, is known for his singing. In fact, according to a ranking by SM staff, he has the best voice in Super Junior. I’d like to healthily disagree. He does have a voice, a voice that goes above and beyond mediocre. And had he been in my high school choir, I probably would have followed him around like a duck that thinks he’s my mommy. But this isn’t my high school choir. This is KPOP, and as mediocre and as superficial as some people might call it, there are some vocal contenders in this ring. For as much smack as I give this group, there are members within Super Junior that can give his vocal chords a run for their money. when you think of strongest voices in KPOP, do you think Yesung? When you think of strongest voices in Super Junior, do you think Yesung? I don’t.

I’m not even going to go into this one. But let’s put it this way, if a group can survive without a member, regardless of the reason, that indicates how necessary that individual’s presence is. Super Junior has been doing just fine without Kangin so I’m sure they don’t need whatever talent you do or do not have. Super Junior’s ability to function as a group without you proves that you provide nothing integral to the group. At least you’re doing your duty and serving with the army. But then I remember that DUI, Hit-and-run incident. One incident should not define a man’s life but seriously? There were three passengers in that taxi. Three fathers, mothers, daughters, sons, sisters, brothers, and friends. I hope you’re taking your time away from doing absolutely nothing for Super Junior to reflect on your life choices.

Besides being the fat member of Super Junior, Shindong, you are also known for your rapping and dancing. As far as your rapping, I can’t say much because Super Junior itself is not known for it’s great rap lines and thus, I can’t say your raps stand out. In fact, I can’t remember a single one. And your dancing, I remember watching SUJU’s cover of “Genie” and thinking that you aren’t anything special, even amongst your own group. Leeteuk, who I previously claimed got the job done in the dancing department, did a better job than you. But you are popular on variety shows, I’ll give you that. You have appealing charisma. But then I think of the “girls cannot be fat” incident and the way you responded to Junsu‘s tweet and thence cannot find your charisma appealing. But that’s just me and my dislike of misogynistic immaturity. Other people have their opinions and values I am sure.

I’m trying to think about something to say about you, Sungmin, and in all honesty, very little comes to mind. You do the whole “aegyo” thing which can be charming I suppose, but it’s more disturbing than anything when you see a grown 25 year old man pretend to be Minnie Mouse. Vocally, you’re mediocre and the same goes for your dancing. Though you had quite a bit of nauseating charm at the beginning of Super Junior’s career, lately, you’ve drawn back. I’m not sure if I should be happy or sad but at the very least, I’m indifferent. And thus, I cannot say you contributes anything absolutely vital to Super Junior.

Eunhyuk, you are probably one of the more well rounded members of Super Junior. Your rapping is good and your dancing his also good. In fact, I would say you are the best rapper and dancer in Super Junior. But do you beat most of the other idols out of the water on these fronts? Not really. But you are respectable in that you can do most idol talents decently. You can rap, you can dance, and you also have charisma. Along with Leeteuk, Heechul, and Shindong, you have created a popular variety show persona for himself. I also appreciate the fact that you are taking creative control over Super Junior productions, in choreography and writing. And you’re also pretty cute. Is that a talent? It’s more like luck but I’ll give it to you. You are not exceptional in any category but at you can do almost everything decently well.

Everything I’ve said about Eunhyuk, could be said about you too, Donghae. You are another one of the more well rounded members of Super Junior. You have an acceptable voice, you can dance pretty well, and you have charisma and charm. And alongside Siwon, you’re the cutest Super Junior member. You too, have attempted to wield considerable control over Super Junior’s creative productions. You’re also quite the actor, making several appearances in several MVs and recently, gaining headline roles in headlining dramas. Are you exceptionally talented in these areas? No. But you can do quite a bit to a healthy extent and that in of itself is commendable.

You are easily Super Junior’s Yoona, Choi Siwon. You are so handsome and so unbelievably marketable that it should be a crime. Your voice is acceptable and so are your dancing skills. But beyond that, you have your face. It’s not really a talent but the fact that you, or SM, knows how to use it, is definitely a skill. How many advertisements have I seen with your pretty face slapped on it? How many times have I seen you sashaying onto a screen in a CF? Let’s not forget about your acting. I won’t go as far to say that you’re an up and coming Daniel Day Lewis but you do a pretty decent job. Does you have an exceptional talent, then? Not really but if you’ll join me in that you face is his talent, then yes. A very big yes. You can use your face to sell cow dung on a banana leaf for five million times the production value. Not many people can do that so cheers to you!

I used to hate you, Ryewook. You reminded me of a murderous garden gnome but once I got over my superficial immaturity, I was able to look at you and appreciate you for your talent and your contributions to Super Junior. You cannot dance and in fact, if you do that outward Judo chop one more time, I swear, I’ll write you, and you alone, an angry letter. But your voice. Aesthetically, you have a high, squeaky voice that may not appeal to everyone but boy can you do whatever you want with it. You can twist it, wind it, and have it penetrate an entire stadium. You have one of the best voices in Super Junior, rivaled only by Kyuhyun, and if you were to ask me who the best voices in KPOP were, your name would, at the very least, cross my mind. You have talent, sir.

The fact that Google Images had a hard time finding you, says a lot. It’s been YEARS since you’ve done anything for Super Junior. Actually, I believe the last time you did anything Super Junior related was when you randomly showed up in the “It’s You” MV. Your excuse? Acting. First of all, you haven’t done anything since 2008 in the acting department so I can’t even begin to understand why this is taking up any of your time. And does he have any plans for the future as far as acting goes? No, not really. Second of all, even if you were seriously pursuing acting, there are idols, fellow Super Junior members, in fact, that have managed to pursue acting as well as perform their Super Junior duties. Even beyond all of that, Kibum, I’ve seen you’re acting and I am not impressed.

If the girls forgot about all the other 11 members of Super Junior and were speaking strictly of Kyuhyun, I wouldn’t disagree. You are talented, very, very talented. You have the best voice in Super Junior. You have one of the best voices in SM Entertainment and in KPOP, period. And though I never thought you was anything special in the dancing department, you really impressed me with “Bonamana.” You went from someone who was constantly put in the back to someone who shined brightly in the front. There’s a reason why SM gives you a lot of screen time and front and center time. You deserve it. You sing well, you dance well, and you lookwell too. Your voice is exceptional and though your other talents might not be just as exceptional, you go above and beyond. You may be the youngest member of Super Junior but your sunbaes could learn a thing or two from you, who, without a doubt, gives truth to the group’s name.

From going through each member, there are three types of members: there is the member who, though is relatively incapable of doing most things, is able to excel exceptionally in one area, there is the member who is completely and utterly useless, and then there are the members that are well rounded. Talent is a broad word with many qualifications but if you have a group that is innundated with members that the group can survive without and few members that possess an exceptional talent, then you can’t say the group is very talented now can you?

I’m not saying Super Junior is not an appealing group. You definitely have your appeal. I mean, can I really sit here and say that the thousands upon thousands of ELFs in existence are delusional? No. Super Junior has it’s appeal but is it in talent? I’d definitely have to say “no” because as far as I can see, the group holistically and individually, has little talent. You all are not as “Super” as your name connotes.

Don’t even get me started on “junior.” When your youngest member qualifies for statutory rape for dating a girl the average age of your fan base, I think you need to rethink having “junior” as part of your name.

But you guys are successful so none of what I say is truly that important. Just think twice before saying that your success can be attributed to your talent because there isn’t a whole lot of that going on in the genetic make up of this group. But I’m sure a good dose of haterade will prove me wrong.

Love,

Subi

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